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Happy Living...

Thought For The Month…
“What life means to us is determined not so much by what life brings us as by the attitude we bring to life; not so much by what happens to us as by our reaction to what happens.”
Lewis Dunning
Quote For The Month…
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”
C.G. Jung (1875 – 1961)

“The only service a friend can really render is to keep up your courage by holding up to you a mirror in which you can see a noble image of yourself.
-George Bernard Shaw
Some Kind Of Valentine!
A guy walks into a post office one day and sees a middle-aged, well-dressed balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “LOVE” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.  He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

Curious, the observer approaches the well-dressed man to ask him what he is doing.  “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine’s Day cards signed, “GUESS WHO?” he says.

“But why?” asked the curious man.

“Because I’m a divorce lawyer!” he replied.
Who’s Leading Who…
For years, each morning at about 11:30 AM the telephone operator in a small Sierra Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time.  One day, the operator summoned the nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.  “I’m a foreman of the local sawmill,” he explained, “every day I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time.” 

“That’s really funny,” she replied, “all this time we’ve been setting our clock by your whistle!”


Crazy Country Western Titles!
  • How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
  • I don’t want your body if your heart’s not in it.
  • I keep forgettin’ I forgot about you.
  • I meant every word that he said.
  • I’m not married but my wife is.
  • I’m the only hell my mama ever raised.
  • If I can’t be number one in your life, then number two on you!
  • If the phone don’t ring, baby, you’ll know it’s me.
  • I gave her a ring and she gave me the finger.
  • I liked you better before I knew you so well.
Bad Luck??…
A man was just coming out of a coma when he sees his devoted wife sitting close by.  He motions for her to come closer. 

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what?  You have been with me all through the bad times.  When I got fired, you were there.  When I got shot, you were by my side.  When we lost the house, you stayed right here.  When my health started failing, you were still by my side.”  You know what else?” he asked.

“What, dear?” she gently asked, smiling.  “I think you’re bad luck!”

More Airline Yuks…
I was once on a Southwest flight that was delayed at the gate after everyone boarded.  The flight attendant said over the intercom, “We’re sorry for the delay.  The machine that normally rips the handles off your luggage is broken, so we’re having to do it by hand.  We should be finished and on our way shortly....” 


The Sign…
A boss complained at a staff meeting that he wasn’t getting any respect from his subordinates.  Later that morning, he went to a local card shop and purchased a small sign that read, “I’m The Boss.”  He brought it back to the office, mounted it on his door and left for lunch.  When he got back, he found a note taped to the sign that said, “Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”


Losing Your Cookies…
After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land.  They disembarked, and the other flight attendants and I checked for items left behind.  In a seat pocket, I found a bag of homemade cookies with a note saying, “Much love, Mom.”

Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner.  In a few minutes, this announcement came over the P.A. system in the concourse: “Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502 please return to the gate?”

“What?”
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men do, showed her a study that indicated men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, where women use 30,000 words a day.

She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

Looking stunned, he said, “What?”





Wacky Bumper Stickers…

Here is a series of strange, but true bumper stickers seen around the country…
  • CAUTION!  I Drive Like You Do!
  • I’m Back By Popular Demand
  • They’re Not Hot Flashes, They’re POWER SURGES!
  • The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG It Happened
  • I Still Miss My Ex-Husband, But My Aim Is Improving
  • I Almost Had A Psychic Girlfriend, But She Left Me Before We Met
  • I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol
  • Hang-Up And Drive!
  • Pardon My Driving, I’m Reloading
  • Despite The Cost Of Living, Have You Noticed How It Remains So Popular?
Who You Ask Is Everything!
The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

 

It’s A Whole New World!

A teacher asked one of her pupils, “What’s the nation’s capital?”  He said, “Washington, D.C.”  On being asked what the “D.C.” stood for, the pupil proudly replied, “Dot com!”

More Funny Employee Performance Evaluation Quotes…
  • “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
  • “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
  • “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
  • “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
  • “This employee should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.”
  • “When she opens her mouth, it’s only to change whichever foot was previously in there.”


Quote For The Month…

“When our eyes see our hands doing the work of our hearts, the circle of Creation is completed inside us; the doors of our souls fly open, and love steps forth to heal everything in sight.”
Michael Bridge

Quote Of The Month…

Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years.  We grow old by deserting our ideals.  Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.
Samuel Ullman

Wacky Answering Machine Messages
You’d think that some people don’t have enough to do!  Here are a few wild answering machine messages recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:
  • Hi.  I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like.  Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.
  • Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya.  We can’t pick up the phone right now because we’re doing something we really enjoy.  Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right.  So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth, we’ll call you back.
  • A is for academics, B is for beer.  One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.
  • Hi.  This is John.  If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.  If you are my parents, please send money.  If you are my bank, you didn’t lend me enough money.  If you are my friends, you owe me money.  If you are female, don’t worry, I have lots of money.
  • Hi! John’s answering machine is broken.  This is the refrigerator.  Please speak slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of those magnets.
  • This is not an answering machine – this is a telepathic thought recording device.  After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling…and I’ll think about calling you back.
  • Hello!  If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon.  If you leave a “sexy” message, I’ll call sooner.

 

Tight Shoes…Really, Now!
A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes.  “How do they feel?” asks the sales clerk.  “Well, they feel a bit tight,” replies the man. 

The assistant bends down and has a look at the shoes.  “Try pulling the tongue out,” the clerk says.

“Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith thighth.”

 

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