“The only service a friend can really render is to keep up your courage by holding up to you a mirror in which you can see a noble image of yourself.”
Curious, the observer approaches the well-dressed man to ask him what he is doing. “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine’s Day cards signed, “GUESS WHO?” he says.
“But why?” asked the curious man.
“Because I’m a divorce lawyer!” he replied.
“That’s really funny,” she replied, “all this time we’ve been setting our clock by your whistle!”
- How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
- I don’t want your body if your heart’s not in it.
- I keep forgettin’ I forgot about you.
- I meant every word that he said.
- I’m not married but my wife is.
- I’m the only hell my mama ever raised.
- If I can’t be number one in your life, then number two on you!
- If the phone don’t ring, baby, you’ll know it’s me.
- I gave her a ring and she gave me the finger.
- I liked you better before I knew you so well.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.” You know what else?” he asked.
“What, dear?” she gently asked, smiling. “I think you’re bad luck!”
Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner. In a few minutes, this announcement came over the P.A. system in the concourse: “Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502 please return to the gate?”
She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, “What?”
Here is a series of strange, but true bumper stickers seen around the country…
- CAUTION! I Drive Like You Do!
- I’m Back By Popular Demand
- They’re Not Hot Flashes, They’re POWER SURGES!
- The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG It Happened
- I Still Miss My Ex-Husband, But My Aim Is Improving
- I Almost Had A Psychic Girlfriend, But She Left Me Before We Met
- I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol
- Hang-Up And Drive!
- Pardon My Driving, I’m Reloading
- Despite The Cost Of Living, Have You Noticed How It Remains So Popular?
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”
A teacher asked one of her pupils, “What’s the nation’s capital?” He said, “Washington, D.C.” On being asked what the “D.C.” stood for, the pupil proudly replied, “Dot com!”
- “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
- “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
- “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
- “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
- “This employee should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.”
- “When she opens her mouth, it’s only to change whichever foot was previously in there.”
“When our eyes see our hands doing the work of our hearts, the circle of Creation is completed inside us; the doors of our souls fly open, and love steps forth to heal everything in sight.”
Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.
- Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.
- Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth, we’ll call you back.
- A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not here. So leave a message.
- Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are female, don’t worry, I have lots of money.
- Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of those magnets.
- This is not an answering machine – this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling…and I’ll think about calling you back.
- Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a “sexy” message, I’ll call sooner.
The assistant bends down and has a look at the shoes. “Try pulling the tongue out,” the clerk says.
“Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith thighth.”